Did your siblings abuse you growing up? Not your parents, specifically your siblings, or other children in the household you were raised with.

My brother tortured and hurt me when i was under 3. I remember it being so terrible i wanted it to stop but it didn't. So i would have to leave my body so i wouldn't feel it. And thats what i did, i would have to leave and not be there anymore, and learned how to do it after awhile. I couldnt stop him and it was real, real bad, i mean very very bad— i do not good being scarred now if anyone touches me. that's not normal i’v learned.i wish someone would have helped me but noone ever did. I am sad a lot still from not getting treated for ADHD until i was a lot older. The nightmares and horrible insomnia were torture and were non stop for decades of my life— i would say to myself that i was gong to kill myself a thousand times a day. I once worked 1 whole month and had hallucinations from exhaustion. Iv never been able to work and had very bad quilt cuz i could not explain why. I have bad nightmares from my brother coming home drunk and laying on top of me asleep in my bed, trying to suffocate me. It is still a memory so terrifying i can not write about it very well ,— i am panicking right now talking about it. He did it three times! I am still very scarred thinking about it, it is a very, very Bad memory! My mom would drink a lot of alcohol to numb the pain of being beaten up all the time by my 1st father. I had to run to the neighbors house when i was like 4 or maybe 5 because my mom was locked in the bedroom and my dad was hitting her real bad and she was crying bad. That was one of the worst times in my life ever, not being able to help her, it was very, very terrible! When my brother suffocated me though, she just told me to go away, she did not protect me either. He would chase me trying to beat me every day and i would barricade myself in the bathroom until my mom got home. One day it ripped the sink off the wall and he stomped my head in the floor real bad and i had to stay in the hospital for i think like a week because i couldn't remember very well and fell asleep and was crying a lot. I met a little kid like me in the hospital and we shared the same room at Emanuel hospital. his name was Jerome and he would cry, and cry, and cry, and was very sad. I don't know why — he wasn't old enough to talk a lot, so i couldnt ask him. I wish i would have been able to make him feel better but did not know how. My mom brought me some Archie comic books though and i really liked to read them and liked the bright colore a lot. I will never forget any of this, and will remember every detail until the day i die. I was 7 and my brother was 4 years bigger. When yur a little kid, 4 years is huge difference. I do have some scars and have bad pain in my one testicle from having it partially torn from its connection point in my abdomen by my brother.. I don't have a family cuz i could never finish the process of having sex. I had a lot of women i thought i really loved but couldn't access those feelings. My x,-con alcoholic step father did stuff to me real bad so i decided if i stopped feeling, it couldnt hurt me anymore so i did. That is a bad way to do things, I didn't know how better to manage things and i am a damaged person and broke me in many ways . My mother was alcoholic nd berated me non stip my entire life, never hardly ever saying anything good. She reinforced my uselessness at every conceivable twist and turn. So here i am, a broken oerson, but not by lack of trying to be better. I went to the doctor to hep me be able to have sex but he could not help me. I went to a bunch of doctors it bothered me so terribly. They all said the same ame thing, that i am wasn't broken physically cause it worked when i was alone. They were hesitant to tell me i was broken mentally because of the bad things that happened 😔. So i am alone with no one to love snd noone to love me. I don't have children because i was damaged too much, and that i very, very sad. I took a lot of drugs nd nearly died many times. i thank gawd for drugs thow. Without them i would surely have ended by life. They allowed me a false sense of feeling ok about everyone and everything. But the real hell is they eventually stoped working to take the pain away, then i had nothing but a broken body and broken way of processing the trash that was my life up to then. So its the same old story you hear from the tens of thousands of other unfortunate broken souls just like me who were abused and kicked the crap out of again and again who never had anything remotely similar to an equal chance in life like the ones reading my story right now. I know i sure as hell aren't alone and didnt have it near as bad as many of you. I had it bad enough thow. I wish i could say that everything got repaired that was broken, but I'd be lying. Despite years and years of therapy and 12 step work, and giving it my very utmost best, having worked all 12 steps exhaustingly again and again i still wish it hadn't been quite so difficult. And there's many things i will pass from this life, never having been able to experience. That saddens me and i cried writing some of this. It turns out i was born with a bad genetic disease that exhausts and weakens me very much. My mom told me i was the sickest child she had out of 6 of us, that i spent so much time sick in bed. Im in bed now and been in bed for three days but can do little about it. If someone had told me i would be treated badly and spend 1 week in the hospital every year on iv blood derivatives, couldnt make a family, own a house, finish school, have career and struggle a lot, I'm not sure i could have stayed living. It was my life mission to find out the incredibly difficult task of determining what was the matter with me. It had so many varied twists and turns, and dead ends it all seemed far to insurmountable. I was stubborn thow and could not kill myself until i found out what it was that was so terribly wrong with me, because then i would miss out on any possibility of having some semblance of normal life, or determine a panacea for all that ailed me. Some of the cures iv experienced and sought are kind strange. When you are desperate you do many things you may otherwise would not have. I am tired now and have written every letter of this with my left thumb on my tablet one letter at a time. Its hard to speak sometimes and Easier to tap. I've covered s lot and don't give a damn if you think im dumb for saying all of this. Its me and who i am and what happened to me and i will not lie about something this important. You could question me on any detail iv written and consistently receive an accurate response . I dont mean to make anyone feel bad, that wasn't my mission. Just remember there are people like us everywhere you could possibly find yourself in life, and are not alone. Im not sure why i bothered saying so many hurtful experiences iv had, i guess im lonely and wish i had someone that wont hurt or leave me. I know some of you ended up in jail, possibly many times- i did. For those who didnt and just reading this glad as hell it wasnt you, you need to internalize one important thing; that person or persons you knew or know now you see as a looser who doesn't try hard enough and is just a slacker bound for mediocrity or worse, how dare you you assume yourself better or more important. Human beings are incredibly resilient — we can take one hell of a beating and go on day after day as if nothing is bothering us. That weird person you see as a looser, is likely the one whose home life is like a dismal chapter in a book of terror, needing desperately for someone to understand what he or she is going thru- the hell they see no way of escaping — just someone who will say hello or something nice, anything. The silent plague of unknown abuses we bring upon one another is a sad part of humanity who's origins are far reaching. We do by nature strive to eliminate each other, always have, always will. I have nothing special to wind up this mental effort, no happily ever afters. I did not intend to make anyone feel poorly about themselves - there are plenty of those who will however so avoid the ones your broken gut is telling you to go the opposite direction. So try to listen to your broken instincts- theyre trying to save you and are rarely mistaken.